When Nicole Kidman met Tom Cruise on the set of Days of Thunder in 1989, she was just 22. He was already a global superstar – magnetic and self-assured, the kind of man who could alter the energy in any room he walked into.
She has spoken about being swept off her feet by his charisma and certainty. In hindsight, it’s easy to see how a young woman, still forming her sense of identity, might fall for someone who seemed to have it all figured out.
Especially a young woman yet to find her sense of self – and her look. Early Nicole had a bewitching but understated beauty – blue eyes, Pre-Raphaelite curls, and freckles that have long since been banished.
There was charm in her slightly self-conscious, gawkish presence, suggesting someone open to a knight in shining armour (which we know, does not really exist).
Their marriage lasted eleven years. Outwardly it looked picture-perfect, but power was never balanced between them. Cruise was the senior partner in fame, fortune and influence, while Kidman often appeared in his shadow.
He effectively held the balance of power, which could have left her feeling, at times, disadvantaged and unsure of herself.
Ultimately their traits and values evolved and seemingly began to clash. Reports of tension around Cruise’s Scientology dedication and lifestyle choices suggested that compatibility was an ongoing challenge.
Whatever the truth behind closed doors, the split left her reeling. She has said the divorce was ‘a shock to my system’ and that she felt unanchored for years afterwards.
That kind of emotional disorientation is common after any relationship where one person holds more control than the other. When your self-esteem has been shaped by someone else’s approval, it can take time to find your footing again.
Abandonment was also a new type of pain for Nicole, who’d grown up in a tightly knit, loving family that workshopped issues collectively.
Kidman’s post-Cruise years were marked by introspection and solitude. She channelled her energy into her very creative, lucrative work and kept her private life guarded. In coaching terms, she was doing the necessary work of re-establishing boundaries and rediscovering her own values.
Pairing up with Keith Urban
Then came Keith Urban. Their meeting in 2005 looked like the start of a second-chance love story – both Australian, both artists, both high-profile but seeking connection.
Yet even early on there were major red flags. Urban had spoken openly about his battles with addiction, and reports of a relapse shortly after their wedding made headlines, followed by rehab and years of effort to stay sober.
There was also a publicised ‘kiss-and-tell’ during those early days, which further muddied the waters.
If just a crumb of all this was true, it would have been devastating for even the most robust person, let alone a bride embarking on a new life with an increasingly notorious spouse.
Admittedly, I remember thinking at the time, Nicole was taking an enormous risk choosing someone with a history of addiction and a tendency to attract – shall we say – lurid headlines.
Yet there was a tenacity in Nicole’s choice to forge ahead and make the marriage work. She clearly wanted to have children with Urban, and perhaps the goal of a functional family life saw her through a litany of obvious challenges.
What’s striking is how Kidman handled everything. Instead of idealising Urban or pretending everything was fine, she appeared to focus on practical support, honesty and structure.
She has said that her priority was a stable foundation and helping Urban recover without losing herself in the process.
That boundary work – staying empathetic but not enabling – is one of the hardest skills to learn in love. If done properly, it shows emotional maturity and the capacity to separate compassion from codependency.
But make no mistake, it would have required strength and a steely core too, especially with babies arriving.
Fast-forward nearly two decades, and Kidman now describes her home life with their daughters as her anchor. “Love can come in many forms,” she said recently, reflecting on motherhood, friendship and her creative partnerships.
There’s quiet strength in that statement. Unlike the vulnerable wife, cast aside by Tom Cruise in her earlier years, her two daughters with Keith seem to have given her a unique purpose and stable foundation for navigating emotional crises.
For anyone tackling their own relationship patterns, there are several Nicole Kidman love lessons worth noting:
1. Chemistry is not the same as compatibility
Intense attraction can feel irresistible, especially when it validates our insecurities or ambitions. But long-term compatibility depends on shared values, emotional safety and mutual respect – not just excitement. And our values can evolve or become clearer as we mature.
2. Power balance matters
Healthy relationships thrive on equality. When one person dominates – financially, emotionally or socially – the other can lose confidence and voice. It’s never too late to rebalance or to step away if that balance can’t be restored.
3. Love is not rescue work
Supporting a partner through difficulty is admirable, but saving them at the expense of yourself rarely ends well. Boundaries and self-care are acts of love too.
4. Reinvention is possible at any age
Kidman rebuilt her identity, career and family life after a very public heartbreak. She shows that it’s possible to start again, wiser and stronger, when you stop defining yourself through someone else’s lens.
Ultimately, Nicole Kidman reminds us that every relationship – even the painful ones – teaches us something about who we are and what we value. Whether you’re dating, recovering from a breakup, or simply re-evaluating what love means to you, her story invites reflection: what does ‘more’ look like for you now? What would feel healthier, calmer, more real?
Love isn’t about perfection. It’s about setting boundaries, working through challenges and hopefully emerging stronger together.
If you’re ready to rethink how you approach love and relationships, explore The Relationship Reset — a new coaching system for professional women ready for real connection.